confessions of a shoe tying imposter

When I was four years old I became a liar. My neighbor, my nemesis, learned to tie his shoes and was rewarded with a "shoe tying party". I became jealous. I wanted a shoe tying party! I devised a plan to fool my parents into thinking I too had reached this pre-school milestone. I vividly remember walking out of my room into the living room proudly displaying my tied shoes. Problem was I did not tie those shoes, my mom did and I quickly slipped them off my feet then back on without disturbing the carefully constructed bow. Somehow they bought it and I rejoiced in the celebration of my own undeserved shoe tying party.

How is it that 21 years later this event is burned into my memory?

I have since learned to tie my shoes (although occasionally I do slip my shoes on and off to avoid having to tie them-cuts off 3 seconds of my getting ready time).

The point is I knew at an early age how to lie. It came pretty naturally to me.

Most rebellion comes pretty naturally to me. I am taking this Dave Ramsey  financial responsibility class and my biggest hurdle is myself. I don't want anyone else telling me how to live my life. I want to do what I want when I want. It's very Veruca Salt of me, I know.

I want a god I can control-not one who deserves my allegiance in every detail of my life. Welcome to my heart. Don't get too comfortable as I am sure it will be overturned and rearranged as it collides with Christ.

In the book Renovation of the Heart Dallas Willard shares this about the nature of the heart

We usually know very little about the things that move in our souls, the deepest level of  our life, or what is driving it. Our 'within' is astonishingly complex and subtle-even devious. It takes on a life of its own. Only God knows our depths, who we are, and what we would do. Thus the psalmist cries out for God's help in dealing with-himself! 'Search me, O God.'  'Let the mediations of my heart be acceptable to you.' 'Renew in me a right spirit.' At a certain point my own heart has been formed and I am then at its mercy. Only God can save me.

 I need the gospel. I need to be reminded of my devious heart and the fact that I am a shoe tying imposter. My pastor in Chicago explained the gospel as this : you are more wicked more sinful than you ever thought possible but at the same time in Christ you are more loved more accepted and more forgiven than you ever dared to hope.

And speaking of Chicago, in his tribute song, Sufjan Stevens that great philiosopher writes

you came to take us
all things go
all things go

to recreate us
all things grow
all things grow

i made a lot of mistakes
all things go
i made a lot of mistakes
all things go

Hope some of this made sense. My mind has been spinning with this stuff lately.

Lessons Learned

Four days into 2010 and I am learning lots. Most of these lessons are being filed under "what is wrong with this generation: thank you ABC".

Quotes and reflections from tonight's episode of "The Bachelor"

• "As a model, I am used to relying on my looks to get attention."
• In her Ten Things about Me list Tenly (yep that is why she chose to reveal Ten things) said "I check my pride at the door" Gotta hand it to a girl who leads with her humility and broadcasts it on national tv.

After that riveting and all too devaluing episode, I had every intention of turning OFF the tv, but leave it to ABC to introduce a ridiculously awkward and unreal dating show.....Conveyor Belt of Love. The premise of this show is quite simple :35 men (paraded on a conveyor belt) are given one minute to impress a panel of five women.

Quotes from tonight's episode of "Conveyor Belt of Love"

• "I'm not looking for anything serious...especially not marriage"
• "I'm turning 30 soon so I'm really going to take Conveyor Belt of Love seriously"
• Coming down the conveyor belt howling like a wolf, "hey ladies I hate being boRRREED"
• "I really only date in the cougar category...32 and older"
  
• "I thought I'd write you a poem so you all would understand who I am. The poem is called Enjoy Ecstasy"
• "I kinda wish some girlfriend from my past would call me up and say 'hey your 15 year old son would like to meet you' and I would say 'cool!!"
• After Keiko told Johnny "I want you to worship me" Johnny told the tv audience "I like her cuz she is straight to the point"
  

After subjecting myself to this "entertainment" for three hours all I can say is God save us from ourselves and Monday night television.