confessions of a shoe tying imposter

When I was four years old I became a liar. My neighbor, my nemesis, learned to tie his shoes and was rewarded with a "shoe tying party". I became jealous. I wanted a shoe tying party! I devised a plan to fool my parents into thinking I too had reached this pre-school milestone. I vividly remember walking out of my room into the living room proudly displaying my tied shoes. Problem was I did not tie those shoes, my mom did and I quickly slipped them off my feet then back on without disturbing the carefully constructed bow. Somehow they bought it and I rejoiced in the celebration of my own undeserved shoe tying party.

How is it that 21 years later this event is burned into my memory?

I have since learned to tie my shoes (although occasionally I do slip my shoes on and off to avoid having to tie them-cuts off 3 seconds of my getting ready time).

The point is I knew at an early age how to lie. It came pretty naturally to me.

Most rebellion comes pretty naturally to me. I am taking this Dave Ramsey  financial responsibility class and my biggest hurdle is myself. I don't want anyone else telling me how to live my life. I want to do what I want when I want. It's very Veruca Salt of me, I know.

I want a god I can control-not one who deserves my allegiance in every detail of my life. Welcome to my heart. Don't get too comfortable as I am sure it will be overturned and rearranged as it collides with Christ.

In the book Renovation of the Heart Dallas Willard shares this about the nature of the heart

We usually know very little about the things that move in our souls, the deepest level of  our life, or what is driving it. Our 'within' is astonishingly complex and subtle-even devious. It takes on a life of its own. Only God knows our depths, who we are, and what we would do. Thus the psalmist cries out for God's help in dealing with-himself! 'Search me, O God.'  'Let the mediations of my heart be acceptable to you.' 'Renew in me a right spirit.' At a certain point my own heart has been formed and I am then at its mercy. Only God can save me.

 I need the gospel. I need to be reminded of my devious heart and the fact that I am a shoe tying imposter. My pastor in Chicago explained the gospel as this : you are more wicked more sinful than you ever thought possible but at the same time in Christ you are more loved more accepted and more forgiven than you ever dared to hope.

And speaking of Chicago, in his tribute song, Sufjan Stevens that great philiosopher writes

you came to take us
all things go
all things go

to recreate us
all things grow
all things grow

i made a lot of mistakes
all things go
i made a lot of mistakes
all things go

Hope some of this made sense. My mind has been spinning with this stuff lately.

Lessons Learned

Four days into 2010 and I am learning lots. Most of these lessons are being filed under "what is wrong with this generation: thank you ABC".

Quotes and reflections from tonight's episode of "The Bachelor"

• "As a model, I am used to relying on my looks to get attention."
• In her Ten Things about Me list Tenly (yep that is why she chose to reveal Ten things) said "I check my pride at the door" Gotta hand it to a girl who leads with her humility and broadcasts it on national tv.

After that riveting and all too devaluing episode, I had every intention of turning OFF the tv, but leave it to ABC to introduce a ridiculously awkward and unreal dating show.....Conveyor Belt of Love. The premise of this show is quite simple :35 men (paraded on a conveyor belt) are given one minute to impress a panel of five women.

Quotes from tonight's episode of "Conveyor Belt of Love"

• "I'm not looking for anything serious...especially not marriage"
• "I'm turning 30 soon so I'm really going to take Conveyor Belt of Love seriously"
• Coming down the conveyor belt howling like a wolf, "hey ladies I hate being boRRREED"
• "I really only date in the cougar category...32 and older"
  
• "I thought I'd write you a poem so you all would understand who I am. The poem is called Enjoy Ecstasy"
• "I kinda wish some girlfriend from my past would call me up and say 'hey your 15 year old son would like to meet you' and I would say 'cool!!"
• After Keiko told Johnny "I want you to worship me" Johnny told the tv audience "I like her cuz she is straight to the point"
  

After subjecting myself to this "entertainment" for three hours all I can say is God save us from ourselves and Monday night television.

sihouette of the hope to come

Thinking about the Advent season and I came up with this--a picture and a poem of sorts.

hope wears thin stretched
between these promises
still resilient in its form
only a silhouette

prophets speak of one to come
but we-cocooned in darkness
accustomed to its shadows
stumbling in its treachery
are waiting
weary waiting

o long awaited one come
to quell the uprising of our sin
and steal our affection
so easliy given to idols

God has spoken
we have heard
surely He will come
He has promised
shame shall not be
the garment of His people

God has spoken
He will come
to fill with substance
that which is
a silhouette of the hope to come

youtube intervention

You have got to do this sometime when you are needing a laugh. Whitney and I would routinely go onto youtube and read the ridiculous comments. Why don't people write this stuff in their diary anymore?

Example A
In the youtube video for Ingrid's "Corner of Your Heart" user alias NOTMYLIFE3 says "it reminds me of a boy name byron rains and how he iz the worst person you could ever meet idk how but it dose =[".

Who the heck is Byron Rains? And what if he happens upon this video? He iz henceforth the worst person you could ever meet!!

And if I ever met NOTMYLIFE3 I would give her a spelling lesson and a diary. With a key.

serious people with serious glasses

I have been overdue for my annual eye exam for about 3 months now. I try to delay as much as possible because it is so discouraging to have your eyes checked. A reminder that your body is slowly failing you. And I'm only 24! Today wasn't so ridden with thoughts of my slow degeneration as other visits have been because I am learning to find humor in it all. But humor is lacking in a place filled with serious people who wear their serious glasses.


----Lemme break it down for you----

As I walked into the office today, prepared for judgment day, I immediately noticed the awesome glasses the doctor was wearing. "Oh great, she will be my judge. And look at her glasses so much better than mine."

So I head back into the pre-examination room and get ready for the series of tests. Let me just insert a word about the need for specific directions. When the doctor asks you "what is the smallest line of letters that you can read?" What she really means is "read that to me". I responded with "the bottom or the second to the bottom" And then she says flatly, "okay why don't you try reading it". Out loud? To you? And then fear strikes my heart as I realize how very similar all the letters begin to look when you are put on the spot like that. And I said "C" but my brain meant to say "Z". And I wish I would have lied and said I can only read the big E at the top. Can I go now?

No, I can't leave. It's time to do the puff of air test. My left eye failed, which I think translates to "it blinked and we have to do this again". I am probably the patient who needs to be locked in the chair and have her eye lids taped open because I can never keep my eyes from blinking. I think its a natural response to close your eyes whenever a huge machine fires a direct shot of air.

When the doctor saw my glasses and I told her they were probably 3 or 4 years old  her response was "Whoa that's old". Thank you. I wanted to laugh but I could tell she did not consider this a laughing matter.

"I'm going to shine this bright light in your eyes". At no other time in life is this okay. I'm going to almost blind you with my flashlight of death and you will pay me $89 to do this. K?

And then comes the worst part of an eye exam for someone who is a people pleaser.

The "which one is better 1 or 2?

3or 4?

2or 3?

Stop saying numbers to me.

I usually just go with a gut response--"ahhhh 1". "ahhhh 2" And sometimes they look the same. But if you show even a half second of hesitation she will only repeat the same options. I want to ask "which option do you like?" but again this is no laughing matter to eye doctors. They are serious people with serious glasses.

Now that the exam is over relief has flooded my soul. I passed-for the most part. A whole year can pass  before I have to face again my failing eyesight. In the meantime I think I will memorize a copy of that eye chart. 

why life is good

when the wild things are no more

Okay Dana this is for you because I told you I would post. Even without comments. I think I woke up this morning and wanted to find out what it would be like to be a movie critic.

In the movie "Where the Wild Things Are" Max and Carol seek to create a world where the sadness can not get in. A world that operates exactly as it is supposed to. It does not take long for the sadness to pervade their idyllic creation in the form of broken promises and broken friendships. The beautiful cinematography and quirky soundtrack offset the heavy themes of broken trust, disappointment, abandonment and the desire to escape it all. I love this movie because of the universal yet still painfully personal themes. How many times have I longed to escape to a world where the wild things protect me from hurt only to find that no such place exists?

I am not the Christian who looks for heaven in every movie. Yet I cannot help but resonate with the promise of hope and the desire for a place so very different than what we know.

I am familiar with the verses in Revelation of Jesus wiping all our tears away but I can not fathom a world where there is no room for sadness. Will even the memory of sadness be abolished? In a weird way I hope not. It is only because I have found myself in the throes of grief that I can appreciate joy and peace. For that reason I am okay to live with the memory of sadness.

For those who are weary of the monotonous disappointments of this broken world be encouraged that one day there will be a place that operates exactly how it was intended. A place so good that the sadness can not get in. A place where the wild things are not needed and cease to be.

If you have not seen this movie I encourage you to do so. You may not see what I saw in it and that's okay. It's a little weird, a little dark, a little funny but mostly thought provoking.