So Gather Up Your Jackets

And move it to the exits, I hope you have found a friend.

I am thankful for new years. Grateful for markers in time that signify the end of something and the start of something else. I am thankful that seasons of winter do not last forever. I am relieved that seasons of sorrow eventually and always give way to seasons of life, creativity, and beauty. This year has brought its share of sorrow and pangs of growth and change that I hope can only be followed by new life. This year has also been marked by the richness of friendships--those who have continued to walk with me, hope with me, and laugh with me.

So as Semisonic tells us....every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Whatever this next year brings face it with courage, hope, and a good amount of humor.

As one little Hobbit reflected on the darkness of his journey, he offered this outlook -"there is light and beauty up there that no shadow can touch".

And I think Sam is right.   

of peace on earth and good will to men

 I am drawn to the Christmas songs that usher me into a place of reflection, remembrance, and waiting. The songs that echo a sentiment of longings still unfullfilled seem to be the only Christmas songs that reach my soul.
Ransoming the captives

A weary waiting world

Oppression ceasing

People waiting for chains to break

Songs that acknowldge the dark realities as well as the thrill of hope crashing in to awaken us from the despair of sleep.

I also am really taken by the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in the poem "Christmas Bells". Written in the midst of a flurry of national chaos and personal tragedy his words capture the paradox of this season-- of agony and triumph.

 And in despair I bowed my head;



"There is no peace on earth," I said;


"For hate is strong,


And mocks the song


Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"



Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:


"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!


The Wrong shall fail,


The Right prevail,


With peace on earth, good-will to men!"


May this season be one of reflection spurring you to hope in the midst of waiting.

Check out two artists that inspired me to connect these thoughts....

Shellee Coley

Future of Forestry

lyrics lately

I've been contemplating how my life would read if it were comprised of the lyrics that have occupied my thoughts lately. Perhaps something like this...

Can I be used to help others find truth
when I am scared that I'll find proof that its a lie


Weep for yourself
you'll never be what is in your heart


When all your fears rain down
I'll take you back a thousand times again
I would sing you songs of innocence
For you were once a child of innocence

God's moving in your bloodstream
where the cross beats aren't so slow

So there you have my life lately in lyric. A mess of Nickel Creek, Mumford and Sons, Future of Forestry and Freelance Whales.

I'm not too sure what "cross beats" are but I think it may mean that sometimes redemption sweeps over you so gradually that you don't notice the small shifts of grace and hope. Redemption moving through your bloodstream where resistance to His movements aren't as strong. At least, for my sake, that's what I'm hoping for.  

Rewriting the Plot

Listen to this

This is a song that has been playing in my head for weeks (I recently included it in the third volume of a series of songs that will wreck your soul...in a good way). Something about the honest admission of the absurdity of life intrigues me. I find myself at times growing weary of the plot of this broken life...asking God to rewrite it and come and get us.

Do you ever stop to think about the story we are caught up in? Something has been radically broken. Someone has come to restore what is broken.

These are my thoughts so far on this song. More to come.

"i don't know if reason's ever gonna see why love has come to die"

lessons shelved

Transition.

Change.

Anticipation.

These words demand to define my life as of late. Some people may associate these words with excitement ,challenge, and adventure. I tend to associate these words with instability and disharmony. A few weeks ago a friend and I were reading through the book "Understanding How Others Misunderstand You". My personality fits well with the "Steadiness" behavior style. "S" people don't like change in fact the book tells me "the basic fears of the "S" are disharmony and instability". A few pages later "the S deals with this stress by sleeping".  How does a book know me so well! This is too funny. So as I face a new semester, a new job, and a new house I am met with the anticipation of both pain and growth (and apparently a lot of sleep too).    

and here is when things get better....

Clearing off my bookshelves I discovered a paper crisply folded yet crammed between the dog-eared pages of an old planner. Forgotten notes scribbled during one of my undergrad counseling classes outlining the process of change we all go through when faced with discomfort and pain. Underneath the outline only a few sentences were written:

To the degree that we have sinned or been sinned against we can not love.

Some pain stays with us for the length of our life but we learn to no longer compensate for it.

Some people suffer and become broken bread and poured out wine.

There will be some events in life that trigger old responses of pain and hurt. There will be some events in life that appear to threaten our sense of stability and peace. It is the hope of redemption that invites us to look with new eyes as our wounds are transformed into broken bread and poured out wine.

and we will choose to live from love and not fear.

forgotten significance

A picture i took in houston one day.

I found this (piano?) leaning outside against a wall of a junk store. I was drawn to it because of its intricacy and its forgotten significance. I wonder who it belonged to once upon a time. I wonder what led its owner to abandon it. 

Abandoned but still possessing beauty.   

music for your friday

I found this guy's music on you tube. I keep coming back to this cover. Enjoy your friday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rcmS9evyN4

dealing well with disappointment

I read an interview the other week with Jennifer Knapp. It ushered me into a place of unexpected emotions. Anger, confusion, and disappointment swirled around in my head along with a myriad of thoughts. Unexpected because this emotion was aimed at the interviewer, not Jennifer Knapp. I was angry at the way the interviewer posed his questions. He even prefaced one with "I understand, but I'm curious....."  No, you don't understand if the guiding purpose of your question is to satisfy your curiosity. Why did he feel compelled to clarify if she traveled alone or with her partner? Why ask how long they have been together? How do the answers to these questions help us love Christ or love one another? They don't, they only allow us to gather stones.

Maybe the interviewer was attempting to reconcile his faith with her choice. Maybe he was attempting to navigate the tension between expectation and disappointment.

We are all wanting the Easter morning story. Tell us your stories of struggle but only if there is victory at the end. If Jennifer Knapp came out and then in the same interview said by the blood of Christ she overcame those desires and is now happily married to a man with 2.5 kids the Christian community would hail her as a hero of the faith. But that isn't her story. And we don't know what to do with that. And maybe I don't know what to do with that.

This is the story of our faith.
Death defeated. Yet we still die
Sin conquered. Yet our backs still ache with its weight
A promised living hope. Yet despair is a daily acquaintance

I heard a song recently by Noah Gundersen. Cover your ears about 1:37 seconds into it. Just warning you. The honesty of his questions gripped me and left an unsettling feeling. I originally found this on someone's blog and the comments were your typical "I'll be praying for Noah". Why is that our first reaction when someone has experienced profound disappointment with our faith? Why not examine our hearts and repent of the sins that may have contributed to his disappointment? 

If we are called to be rooted in community this means we share in one another joys as well as (and maybe even more so) in the brokenness and disappointed hopes that litter the landscape of our faith. Our savior conquered but He also suffered well. Doubt seems to be the ever present shadow of faith. There is beauty in our story. There is mystery. There is certainty but there is also a terrifying unknown. There is disappointment but there is also steadfast hope. 

May we learn to walk well the tightrope between disappointment and hope. This is the story of our faith. It is a beautiful mess of redemption.

graveyards

Is this a graveyard to bury her heart or is it a garden where new life will start?

This question posed by Sleeping at Last's song "Keep No Score" reverberates in my mind as Easter approaches. Why does God seem to promise life only after a death has occurred?  Ever feel like there are some years when your need for Easter feels more prominent than in years past? This is my year.

I've known of the gospel story for most of my life but somehow this year is different for me. January and February were months that appeared to be marked by death. The trees held lifeless branches. The skies were gray. The ground was cracked posing threat to any flower that would dare grow. There were a few weeks when the wind chapped my skin (and you know how angry I am when I am cold). The hope of spring was so far away.

Then one Sunday morning I saw a wildflower. Then a patch of wildflowers. Bright reds and blues sprinkled the once brown barren landscape. The sun began to shine with more intensity.  Every year I am shocked when spring finds its way past winters threat. To breathe life into what has been dead. To bring hope in despair.  To remind me that there is always life after death.

Is this a graveyard to bury her heart or is it a garden where new life will start?       

What seems like death is really an invitation to greater life. 

happy easter. 

He is risen. 

amen and amen 

a laugh (and maybe a warning)

Got this from my Gma in an email forward.  Not funny...but written in a very funny manner. Condensed for your reading pleasure.


About 10 days ago, I felt a cold coming on; so before I went to bed I
used Zicam Cold Remedy Nasal Gel.
It literally felt like I had sprayed pepper spray directly into my brain. It burned all the way to the top of my skull.
After about a day, I realized I couldn't taste anything and I thought,
"Wow - I must really have a bad cold."  Then I noticed that I couldn't
smell coffee brewing, couldn't smell my perfume when I put it on,
couldn't smell the popcorn I burned, couldn't smell my favorite candle.
I panicked and starting smelling everything that I could find that had
really strong odors - ammonia, finger nail polish remover, bleach, etc.
I couldn't smell ANYTHING! I started tasting everything that had really
strong tastes such as HOT salsa, raw red onions, Doritos, coffee. I
couldn't taste ANYTHING!


I went to my ENT but he told me to "take this(prednisone)and pray."

I LITERALLY CANNOT SMELL
OR TASTE ANYTHING!

The email closed with a WARNING-throw away Zicam. If this is true I feel sorry for this person, but maybe they will find purpose in life as a comedian b/c the way they wrote this stuff is rich. Good night and stay away from the drugs. 

I just can't help but picture a very panicked individual frantically smelling everything that has "really strong odors". Then eating Doritos. Then going to the doctor to be told "take this and pray".  

confessions of a shoe tying imposter

When I was four years old I became a liar. My neighbor, my nemesis, learned to tie his shoes and was rewarded with a "shoe tying party". I became jealous. I wanted a shoe tying party! I devised a plan to fool my parents into thinking I too had reached this pre-school milestone. I vividly remember walking out of my room into the living room proudly displaying my tied shoes. Problem was I did not tie those shoes, my mom did and I quickly slipped them off my feet then back on without disturbing the carefully constructed bow. Somehow they bought it and I rejoiced in the celebration of my own undeserved shoe tying party.

How is it that 21 years later this event is burned into my memory?

I have since learned to tie my shoes (although occasionally I do slip my shoes on and off to avoid having to tie them-cuts off 3 seconds of my getting ready time).

The point is I knew at an early age how to lie. It came pretty naturally to me.

Most rebellion comes pretty naturally to me. I am taking this Dave Ramsey  financial responsibility class and my biggest hurdle is myself. I don't want anyone else telling me how to live my life. I want to do what I want when I want. It's very Veruca Salt of me, I know.

I want a god I can control-not one who deserves my allegiance in every detail of my life. Welcome to my heart. Don't get too comfortable as I am sure it will be overturned and rearranged as it collides with Christ.

In the book Renovation of the Heart Dallas Willard shares this about the nature of the heart

We usually know very little about the things that move in our souls, the deepest level of  our life, or what is driving it. Our 'within' is astonishingly complex and subtle-even devious. It takes on a life of its own. Only God knows our depths, who we are, and what we would do. Thus the psalmist cries out for God's help in dealing with-himself! 'Search me, O God.'  'Let the mediations of my heart be acceptable to you.' 'Renew in me a right spirit.' At a certain point my own heart has been formed and I am then at its mercy. Only God can save me.

 I need the gospel. I need to be reminded of my devious heart and the fact that I am a shoe tying imposter. My pastor in Chicago explained the gospel as this : you are more wicked more sinful than you ever thought possible but at the same time in Christ you are more loved more accepted and more forgiven than you ever dared to hope.

And speaking of Chicago, in his tribute song, Sufjan Stevens that great philiosopher writes

you came to take us
all things go
all things go

to recreate us
all things grow
all things grow

i made a lot of mistakes
all things go
i made a lot of mistakes
all things go

Hope some of this made sense. My mind has been spinning with this stuff lately.

Lessons Learned

Four days into 2010 and I am learning lots. Most of these lessons are being filed under "what is wrong with this generation: thank you ABC".

Quotes and reflections from tonight's episode of "The Bachelor"

• "As a model, I am used to relying on my looks to get attention."
• In her Ten Things about Me list Tenly (yep that is why she chose to reveal Ten things) said "I check my pride at the door" Gotta hand it to a girl who leads with her humility and broadcasts it on national tv.

After that riveting and all too devaluing episode, I had every intention of turning OFF the tv, but leave it to ABC to introduce a ridiculously awkward and unreal dating show.....Conveyor Belt of Love. The premise of this show is quite simple :35 men (paraded on a conveyor belt) are given one minute to impress a panel of five women.

Quotes from tonight's episode of "Conveyor Belt of Love"

• "I'm not looking for anything serious...especially not marriage"
• "I'm turning 30 soon so I'm really going to take Conveyor Belt of Love seriously"
• Coming down the conveyor belt howling like a wolf, "hey ladies I hate being boRRREED"
• "I really only date in the cougar category...32 and older"
  
• "I thought I'd write you a poem so you all would understand who I am. The poem is called Enjoy Ecstasy"
• "I kinda wish some girlfriend from my past would call me up and say 'hey your 15 year old son would like to meet you' and I would say 'cool!!"
• After Keiko told Johnny "I want you to worship me" Johnny told the tv audience "I like her cuz she is straight to the point"
  

After subjecting myself to this "entertainment" for three hours all I can say is God save us from ourselves and Monday night television.